Divorcing ourselves from the "biblical definition" of marriage

I want to begin by saying that I’m writing from a place of anger, a place of hurt, and a place of pain. It takes a lot for me to find myself in this place, and it takes even more for me to write about it in such a public forum. But what I have to say needs to be said, and it needs to be said publicly.

As I have often said, the training and instruction I received in theology during my undergraduate career centered on the concept of generosity. This generosity was to be extended in many directions, most importantly toward those with whom you most disagreed. This generosity was an emphatic must in a group of twenty-somethings debating the finer points of theology, but it was an important lesson learned for living life in a world of constant disagreement.

However, generosity can only extend so far.

In the constant and present debate over the legality of same-gender marriage, one thing has continually jumped out to me: people are, for the most part, civil. I have been astounded by the numerous examples of people who, while disagreeing with whether same-gender relationships are legal constitutionally or biblically, are at the very least able to come from a place of kindness and love.

But in light of recent events in my circle of friends, I need to set a few things straight. There is no such thing as a singular, definitive biblical definition of marriage. So those who try to throw that term out need stop. Immediately. The Bible defines marriage in the following ways:

1. A man and a woman (or property) – Genesis 2:24
2. A man, a woman (or property), and concubines (sex slaves) – Multiple references, but most notably ANYTHING written about Solomon
3. A man, a woman (or property), and her slaves – Genesis 16
4. A man and several women (polygamy) – Multiple references, but Gideon is a good place to look
5. A man and his dead brother’s wife (Levirate marriage) – Genesis 38:6-10
6. A rapist and his victim – Deuteronomy 22:28-29
7. A male soldier and a prisoner of war (or property…spoils of war) – Number 31:1-18, Deut. 21:11-14

This is what the Bible actually says about marriage, though this list is not even fully inclusive. There is, essentially, no definitive marriage ethic in the Bible that can translate to today’s culture because women are no longer considered, at least in American culture, to be property. Jesus himself says nothing about marriage but does, interestingly, comment on divorce.

I write all of this because someone who is very dear to me recently married his partner. They are perfect together. They love God, they love others, and they love each other. Their relationship should be held up as an example to anyone who has questions about whether or not same-gender relationships are valid expressions of love and commitment. My friend’s father has refused to be part of their happiness. And again, the generous part of me allows him this right. Do I agree? Absolutely not, but it is his right.

However, his father has insisted on continuously trying to steal my friend’s joy by keeping up a constant barrage of judgment, most recently embodied by an email explaining and using as his method of rejection the “biblical definition” of marriage, convinced that his son is living in sin. Multiple passages in scripture are interpreted in ways that point to homosexuality as sin. Yet, I submit that the only sin involved in this dialog comes from this father. Christine Gudorf, in her book Body, Sex, and Pleasure makes this case:

“Parents who disown a child who has gathered the courage to disclose to them his/her homosexual orientation are overtly responding to their learned homophobia. Is the severing of the intimate bond that binds parent and child any less grievous than that of the spouse who commits adultery? If sin is the distancing of the individual from God, do such parents not distance themselves from God, our loving parent?” (pp 17)

So for my friends who find themselves estranged from family members because their apparent moral superiority is blinding them to the love Christ calls us to, know that you are loved. All around us are saints who say that your love is ordained by God in spite of what hateful, ignorant people might say. 

Even Paul (whose writing in Romans 1 gives many LGBT theologians pause) immediately follows Romans chapter 1 with what N.T. Wright calls an “empathic warning against a moral superiority complex.”

May the “moral” high ground that is built on the dunes of sinking sands of bigotry erode in the name of Christ, and may those who have been mortally wounded by hateful words from those they thought loved them find healing in communities of equality and grace.

May it be so.

Amen.