Risks, Leaps of Faith, and Discernment

A couple weeks ago, I posted on Facebook that I had made some big life decisions. Well, here we are. Today is my last day at Capital Teas. And to make things more interesting, I do not have another job lined up yet. This is terrifying. However, I have never felt more right about a job-related decision in my life. 

So why did I do it?

That's the real question. And it comes down to something I have never been great at: a leap of faith. I have had a great life plan multiple times in my life. I have wanted EVERYTHING planned in great detail, even if none of those plans actually panned out. When it comes to taking risks, going out on faith, I am woefully unprepared.

Yet here I am. Out on faith.

Let's be fair, I had a pretty good job. It paid my bills. There was potential for advancement. I knew the industry. I knew where I stood (most of the time). But I wasn't happy. I know people will say that happiness is fleeting and that job security is important. But I wasn't happy. I was miserable. And it was no way to live. 

On more than one occasion in my life, I have followed money above my heart. Every time, that has backfired. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't this time.

So what next?

Here is the crazy part, I'm pretty comfortable not knowing what job I will have next. To be sure, I'm actively searching, but I also know that my next job will not be my next career. It will pay my bills and free me up for a much more important journey.

On April 13, 2003, I accepted a call to full-time vocational Christian ministry. I accepted that call at a time in my life where I was young, conservative, and - at least as far as anyone at the time was concerned - straight. Then a lot of life happened. I chased money. I chased prestige. I chased pride. I chased reputation. And then I came out.

When I accepted that I was gay and began the process of coming out to friends and family, I accepted that many of my dreams would change. I didn't trust that God could work through things. I didn't trust that God's plan for my life hadn't changed.

Here's the kicker:

My dreams didn't change; I did.

God can work through things.

God's plan for my life hasn't changed.

So where does that leave me? 

For the last several months, I have been feeling the tug on my spirit back to that moment in 2003. I have been trying to make sense of it and finally voiced these feelings to some close friends and family, as well as one of my priests. All signs point to the rumblings of something amazing. As my associate rector pointed out a few weeks ago, we never really get to decide what God's timing is. 

In a few weeks, I will be confirmed in the Episcopal church. This cradle Baptist has found a home among the liturgy, the tradition, and the inescapable power of the Eucharist. And I really believe that as I find myself on my knees week after week during mass, Christ is finding me too, finding me more willing than I've been in a long time to trust, to explore, to believe.  

So, pray for me. Pray for my discernment. And pray that this risk is not in vain, that the voice I'm hearing is God's and not my own. And that God will show me the way to walk through a door I had long thought closed.

May it be so.

Amen.